My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
