I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
