I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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