There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
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