Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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