I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
