I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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