Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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