I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
