I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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