she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
We named our party play list daddy issues
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
