When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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