From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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