the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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