Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
