i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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