My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
