I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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