i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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