Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
