I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
