Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
