Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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