I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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