Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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