Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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