oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
