This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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