She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
