I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
