I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
