He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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