you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
