Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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