well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
