i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
