I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Randomize
