She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
