Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
