we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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