You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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