My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
