i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
