I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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