Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
