I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
