his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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