On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
