I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
