i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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