Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
